The logo for Apple Computer, now Apple Inc..
I decided to follow the example of Steve Gates, you know that man who created those fruity computer things. Sucked Watermelon, Peeled Banana, Strawberries and Cream, what was it again?
O yes! That guy who chose a half-eaten Apple to exemplify innovation and technological superiority. I am not a fool! I am tech-savvy and hip. And attractive! (Mom said I should add that in case someone wants to take a photo with me.) I mean if Bill Jobs could do it, so can I! I do not even have to waste all that time to invent a computer or a malfunctioning OS, all I have to do is to use what is already available.
I decided to follow the example of Steve, like I said, and become rich! Rich like money and not rich like some Sicilian cheese. I set my target on the iBookstore. To write a best-seller is easy! I read it on InstaScribe.
But being a charitable guy, because it attracts girls according to Smash Williams, my old seven-times divorced school buddy, I decided to share my experience with you. So what you have here is a tested and proven and [Note from editor: add another adjective and I will strangle you!] method for publishing a thingey, a what was it again? A book! Yes, a book on the iBookstore.
Step One – Write
This is easy, like I already told you. Just string together a few sentences. Something like:
My mother had a dog. My mother called her dog Steve or Bill. My mother called him Steve if he peed on the fruit rack. My mother called him Bill if he messed up the windows. My mother is really nice. I love my mother.
Something riveting and balanced like that to counter balance the moral decay of modern society.
Step Two – Format
iBookstore does not accept whales. What I mean is that other kind of format that reminds me of Herman Mellville. That is, Word and PDF are both outlawed here. They accept EPUBs, as well as the property… properly…. pro… pro…. proprietary .ibooks format.
Creating an EPUB is not a difficult thing. There are lots of options available, but the best by far when it comes to ease of use, function, price and user experiences must be, ahem, InstaScribe. This is all you need to create a beautifully crafted e-books.
To make an ibooks file you need to use Apple’s iBooks Author. Amazingly enough this software runs only on a Mac. (If it ran on Windows, then more people could use the service which would reflect positively on the half-eaten-Apple’s bank balance. But they are already rich enough.)
As someone who has never used this, I can absolutely sing it praises! (I read their page and now I am an expert!) Ease of use and free of money!
Step Three – Account
If, like me you are not already an iCustomer you will have to create an account. I am sure that Microsoft sent in a bunch of undercover Windows-developers to create this system. You see, the Apple-peeps say all you have to do is Sign Up, Confirm and Submit. Everything sounds simple! But let me tell you, nothing is easy.
You can create an account by downloading and installing iTunes or you can create your id online. Considering the hole in the Ozone-layer, Global warming and the lack of blackboards in Guatemalan primary schools, I decided to save the world by not downloading something that will just clog the Internet’s greasy arteries some more.
Guess what! It seems like Apple made it their Jobs to make it difficult for people who are not from a bunch of specially chosen countries. These countries do not include China, South Africa, Brazil or India. Zimbabwe also did not make the cut! That means if you are not from a first world country, you are not on that list!
It is just impossible to create an account from a country not in that list. This means that you cannot buy or sell on the iStore.
Being an Internet conniser…. conneuser….connissereurer Being an Internet clever guy I knew that they do sell in South Africa and India, that means it must be able to create an account from a country other than these listed.
So, I used my secret trick, which I will share with you. I read the instructions. If you want to create an account from a country not on the list you have to download iTunes and do it via iTunes. The fruity engineers and programmers have not heard, it seems, of a web page solution.
So, in spite of my efforts to protect nature, I was forced by an inter-galactic conglomerate, which focuses on making huge profits, to download a free piece of software.
Using this streamlined package means you click click click tap tap tap and you have an account that allows you to sell on the iBookstore. (You need a credit card for the money side of things.)
Step Four – Submit
And once again, the easier it seems the tougher it is. Again you can not just use a web page and upload the file. No! No! No! Why make it easy if it is already simple?
ibookstore’s upload cannot communicate with Windows, Linux or Android systems. You have to do your upload via a Macintosh orientated machine. Or you can send a memory stick (USB key) via snail-mail. The second bit is intended to demonstrate the narrow mindedness of Steve Closed-Gates.
If you do not have a Mac, or cannot afford one because because you have not yet been able to sell books via iBookstore, then, surprise, surprise, there is a paid solution. Using macincloud service, you can have access to a virtual Macintosh for as little as $1/hour. Googling for other “virtual Macintosh” solutions is also an option, but make sure that it is legal.
Step Five – Choose
Now that you have your book on the system, you will soon be rolling in money. Choose between a Ferrari Citi or a Bently Minor. That is all that is left for you to do!
Signing off: Future rich guy
